


Three Cats

by periferal



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Cats, Domestic, Fluff, Headcanon, M/M, Swearing, Terrible Cat Names, live episode, more cats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-22
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-06-30 21:38:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15760215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/periferal/pseuds/periferal
Summary: Taako really hates Susan.Or, how the Taako/Kravitz acquired their cats.(Rating is for copious swearing)





	Three Cats

 

Taako meets Susan at his wizarding school. She is an elf wizard interested in transfiguration magic and Taako hates her immediately. 

The thing is, she doesn’t actually go to Taako’s magical academy to learn magic. She knows magic. She’s seven hundred goddamn years old, she doesn’t need a baby teaching her magic. What she wants is to

get some cooking tips from one of her old favorite traveling shows, Sizzlin’ It Up With Taako. 

Which means she walks up to Taako, one of the saviors of reality and head of a now-famous wizarding school, and asks:

“So, I was wondering if you could give me some cooking lessons.”

Taako blinks at her. And then he blinks again, slowly and dramatically in a way that would make Merle shove him in the tit, and says, “Excuse me? You want… a cooking lesson?”

“Yep,” she says. She’s smiling, and short, and has a floppy hat, and the only reason Angus, who is sitting in the same room technically acting as a door guard, doesn’t think she’s relating to him is because well,

that’s impossible. 

“This is a wizard school,” Taako says. “You learn wizardry here.”

“I don’t need to learn wizardry from a baby,” she says. 

“Oh, so you could have saved the world just fine, couldn’t you,” he said. He’s getting angry, but the fun kind of angry that means that at least he isn’t incredibly bored, oh my god.

“I did,” she said. “When I was younger. Hundreds of years ago. Only the world, mind you, not the universe, but I still like to think that it was impressive.” She sticks her tongue out at him. “You are a terrible elf.”

“I’m sorry?” he asks. He has not gotten that before. 

“Your ears aren’t pointy enough,” she continues, “and you should be able breath under water—”

“Okay, I know that’s not a thing.”

“—And you should have more cats.”

“What.”

She grins. 

“More cats! Every proper wizard has cats.”

“I’m… I’m not sure my boyfriend would happy with cats?”

How is he stumbling over his words? He, Taako, should not be stumbling over his words! Who is this woman? 

“Who are you?” he asks, exasperated. 

She smiles sweetly. “My name is Susan, dear.” That’s it, Taako officially hates being called ‘dear’ by this woman specifically. “And I suggest you ask your boyfriend.”

With that, she turns away. 

“Don’t you want a cooking lesson?” he calls after her.

She just smiles mysteriously. 

* * *

 

“And then she told me I wasn’t a proper wizard because we don’t have any cats!” Taako rants. He has been ranting for an impressive amount of time, all flailing hands and flapping capes. He’s even taken his hat off his head temporarily to gesture with. If he could, he would probably grow another pair of hands to make his gestures even more extra, but thankfully his shapeshifting does not veer that far into body horror. 

“We should get cats,” Kravitz says. He has been very patient, because he is, in fact, an excellent boyfriend, but also Taako is being slightly ridiculous. For one thing, Susan sounds amazing, in part because she sounds like a much older and crabbier Taako. Kravitz desperately wants to know the story of how she saved the world in her day, for example. But also, her suggestion is an excellent one, even if he disagrees with her premise that not having cats doesn’t make Taako a real wizard. 

Come to think of it, he probably should have led with that, but whatever. Cats! Susan is a genius. 

That halts Taako in his tracks. “You want cats?” he asks, visibly confused.

Kravitz shrugs. “Kind of?” He grins. “It’d be adorable. We could have a lot of cats, even.”

“Where would we keep them, though?”

The two of them are sort of living together, alternating between Kravitz’s residence in the castle of the Raven Queen, and Taako’s extremely elegant home. Well, somewhat elegant home. 

“We could keep them here,” Kravitz says. They’re at Taako’s house. 

He’s this close to refusing when Kravitz gives him that look. It’s the look that says ‘I love you very much, but also have you considered that cats are wonderful, and I will do incredibly naughty things to you if you agree with me, at least in the moment.’ 

Taako hates that look, because it always gets him to do what Kravitz wants. People think Taako’s the dramatic, occasionally (always) pushy one in the relationship, but they haven’t seen Kravitz with his metaphorical-yet-stylish sweat pants on, cackling in a way that should be off-putting but is instead kind of sexy. “How many cats?” he asks wearing.

Kravitz grins. “Three, I was thinking,” he says. “One living, one dead, and one skeletal. Do you know how many adorable kittens pass into my lands? I’m sure some of them would be happy to be adopted.”

“Are cats happy about anything?” Taako asks dubiously. 

Kravitz laughs. “Fair point.”

* * *

 

They do end up getting three cats. They are named You, Asshole, and Oh For Fuck’s Sake (they’re actually named Madame Floof, Solar Flair, and Dave) and they are, respectively, alive, dead, and skeletal. 

Taako loves them. He will swear up and down that he did this for his boyfriend’s sake, and that’s mostly true, but the first time he looked into the eyeless hollows of Dave’s skull, he realized that he would in fact do anything for him and his fluffier sisters. 

This is where Susan sashays in like a horrible, horrible nightmare.

“I heard you got cats,” she says. Angus is once more there as well, studiously doing anything other than laughing in Taako’s face. 

“Yes…” Taako says. How the fuck does she know that? How does she know anything? She’s just a wizard in a stupid hat. 

“Well,” she says. “If you ever need someone to feed them, when you save the world again.” She has the audacity to roll her eyes as she says this. “You can always ask me.”

And with that, she’s gone again.

“Oh my god I hate her so much,” Taako says, and the laugh Angus has been attempting to stifle finally explodes.

“Sorry, sir,” he says, insincerely.


End file.
